I just saw my baby move without an ultrasound machine or anything for the first time... (this makes it the coolest)...but its still inside of me, and it was my stomach getting pushed out in each spot she moved or kicked or whatever...which totally makes me think Independence Day or [insert any random Alien movie] this making this also the weirdest moment of my life :)

Anyone else experienced this? haha

Ugh. I've always wondered how people get into lives of crime, and murder. Now I know.

Thanks to Holman, I won't be able to get legally married at the end of the month. And at this rate, because of the ridiculous laws in Australia...I can't have a registered marriage celebrant do a mock ceremony. So, we've asked Luke's best man to do the ceremony for us, even though its not 'legal' or law binding, but at least it will still allow us to have our 'ceremony' and our day. If we don't get to do it now, I won't have a ceremony later. I will have wasted all the money on my dress and on personalized items and shit. It makes me so angry that Holman has done this to me, and I have no way of getting out of it at this point.

So, we've contacted a lawyer here and we're getting the ball in motion to get an extended visa until I can be granted residency. And as for the divorce to Holman, I have to wait until he either submits the fucking paperwork, or the Judge we have gets off her ass and signs for the publication to be processed.

I really hope we can at least still go thru the with 'fake' ceremony because at least its still our day, even if we're signing the certificate on another day. If we dont get to, I'm going to be so upset. My dress has come out to be 600.00 AUS with shipping and handling, plus the 70.00 to have it altered, and it still requires another 120.00 to be pressed and cleaned. Not to mention, I spent 200.00 for a cake server and flutes to be personalized as well as wedding candles for us to remember the day on. :( So even if the damn thing isnt "legal and binding" I'd still like to have the mock ceremony because in my heart it will still be real. I just hate Australian laws. I can't wait til the day I can move back to the United States. Oz sucks ass. I'm so glad to be an American, and every day I wake up here, I realize it more and more. And I'm equally glad that we told the British to kiss our asses. :)

Anyhow... All we can do now is wait. And spend thousands of dollars to fix something Holmans fucking piece of shit ass has created.

In other news, the baby is moving SO much these days... brings the biggest smile to my face. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and see her face. 8 weeks left to go!

PS. Christie Eddy....how the hell have you had four kids?
I'm so disgusted with myself after not even one. I feel huge, I can't fit anything, and although the first six months were beautifully uneventful... the pain and constant peeing, backache, feet ache, and hating to move out of a chair in the last month have sucked so bad that I could not imagine having 2, or FOUR.

I cant even walk two blocks without feeling winded, unfit, tired, and in pain. WTF?!

I'm in so much shit... and I've brought most of it upon myself.

I just spent the last hour reading journal entries from December 1st 2006-January 2007 trying to figure out what the fuck I was thinking back then. I know its a learning experience, and this too "shall pass" but...holy crap.

You know, as I read the stupid journal entries about Holman and I, I can't believe the fact that at one point I thought it was going to work out, that I *tried* to make it work out. I mean, we dated, decided it wasnt right for us, then he asked for my help and I gave it to him. If only I had known the consequences then... People told me I'd regret marrying him and that I shouldn't trust him, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I got a small token of appreciate in return for helping him secure his lifestyle. I felt sorry for him as much as I did for myself to take the offer in the first place. Even if I hadn't gotten a car out of it, I probably would have considered anyways to help him out. Why not? I was 18, I didnt think I'd get married for at least another ten years >.< And then... I tried to "make" it work with him. Why not? Already did the married part... we had fun at times together. What the bloody hell was I thinking?

Now... He's not signing the divorce papers, or filing them. He's evading my phone calls, emails... not answering when Luke or my father called. I just want a damn divorce and he's not signing them because of his status. Luke offered him a thousand dollars and he has until the end of the day to collect by signing the papers with my lawyer. If he doesnt, we're informing Immigration that we have been separated for a long time and I want a divorce but he's refusing to sign them because of his status, but we are NOT in a union and havent been for a long time. Regardless, his immigration status should be denied on the basis of that, and that I am requesting an anullment or something because of his actions. Whatever I can possibly do.

Meanwhile...I have written about 5 Migration Agencies/ Immigrant help centers in Austraila with the following email, in hopes of them being able to provide me with a solution to the visa issue here:

"To Whom it may concern:

Firstly, I'd like to apologize if this is the wrong place to address this concern, but I'm at a point where I'm not sure where else to turn, so my story begins:

I am an American in Australia on a Holiday and Work visa, (USA 462, I believe). I came over here to meet my (now fiancee) August 25, 2008 after "meeting" on the Internet. We clearly hit it off, and have decided to marry. In addition, my fiancee and I are about to have a child at the end of August (most likely early Sept). Unfortunately, I have been married in the United States for over two years, but have been separated for over a year and half...however, my husband has evaded me completely as he was not American, and divorcing me would affect his status in the US. Therefore, I can not track him down to sign the divorce papers, and I'm having legal complications getting my divorce from him. I have been dealing with this since Feb of this year, and my visa is about to expire in about two months. (August 25th, to be exact).

This puts me in a very awkward place with my relationship here, clearly. I am not free to marry - therefore I can not apply for a "Marriage" or "Prospective Marriage" visa, without breaking the law, yet my current visa expires before my child is even born, and I'm not supposed to fly after a certain point in the pregnancy anyhow. Not to mention, I want to stay with my fiancee, and I can't go back to the states with our child alone. I will not be able to work immediately to provide for her, nor will I be able to provide day care so that I can work, and clearly my fiancee can not support his living here and mine there on his wages. Now to be completely frank...I miss the United States, and honestly I would prefer to live there; however, for the immediate future, while my fiancee has employment here, it is smarter to stay here with the world economic crisis going on. My reason for saying this is that I could careless about obtaining citizenship in Australia, I'm not here to reap the benefits of Australia's healthcare system, and in all honesty, I prefer American laws and lifestyle more than Australia's (No offense intended, just trying to make the point that I'm not coming from a lesser off country that needs to ride the system and would lie about whose child I'm carrying, etc... as I know it happens frequently in the US and AUS). I just want to be able to stay with my fiancee and not be here illegally at the same time.

If I apply for a visitors visa, it will not allow me to work when I am ready and able to go back to work nor will it allow me to study seriously (which is an intention) thus...two problems. Next, although my current visa does not have any restrictions on it, I fear that if I apply for a year long visitors visa, and its granted, they may put a "No Further Stay" restriction following that visa, which I don't know, but would it affect the marriage visa when we go to apply for it when the time comes? Can they say that I have to go back to the US and wait for a decision if they do put that restriction on my visitors visa?

I am fairly confident that a year from now, I will have my divorce cleared up (I hope...), and we'll be free to marry, but as I said, I would prefer to not go the visitor's visa route if necessary. I was looking at the "partner" or "sponsor" visas, and saw that they do make exception about the year long rule if there is a compassionate situation ( as having/sharing a child ), but as ours won't be born before the visa I'm currently on expires, does that rule not apply? Or will it be enough that he claims the unborn as his own as well? Will they also want to know if I am already married, and decline if I say that I am, even though I have clearly made a lifelong commitment to be with my fiancee...how much more serious does it get than having a child together... thats pretty lifelong, if you ask me!

With that being said, I think I have covered all of the "circumstances" and respectfully request advice on what I should do, given the time frame I have left work with, which is...two months basically.

If this is the absolute wrong place to seek advice, my greatest apologises to you for having to read this soap opera of a situation.

Regards,
Ms. Ashly N. Cortes "


Hopefully I will get some guidance that will be appropriate.


Meanwhile...we're still having the wedding ceremony, even if its not legal yet. Its still hard to swallow that my special day won't be legally recognized because of this incredibly stupid mistake....and as ALL of my LJ friends have pretty much been with me since I choose to make that incredibly STUPID STUPID STUPID decision, you can all either acknowledge that I am aware "You told me so" and not say anything, or rub it in my face and tell me I'm an idiot.... Would prefer the former than latter...but oh well. I'm still going to try to make the most of it, and just be happy in the fact that this WILL be our special day, and who "cares" that the law doesnt recognize it... as long as we recognize it in our hearts. I even found "pregnant" lingerie to wear on the special night... hopefully I'll find a way to be 'in the mood' as I hate sex these days. Imagine that....I....Ashly.... Hate.....Sex. :)

In other news... my mom was robbed in Roanoke two days ago. They broke into her storage/warehouse that she shared with other people...they took a good chunk of her business equipment, but she seems to be holding up, and I think she will be able to at least replace the few things she needs to make it the rest of this season. I feel so bad for her. If she's not sick, she's replacing this or that, or getting robbed. Although I still wish she'd not turned into another person when she divorced my dad, I am starting to see things different now, and can understand why things did happen the way they did....and why she did things the way she did. I have a whole new respect for her that only being an adult now, I can understand. Up until this past year, I don't think I have ever felt really like an adult. More like a lost, screwed up teenager who couldn't pull her finger out of her ass to save her life. Funny how being in a real, serious relationship, and having a child to be concerned about brings new perspectives to things... :)

As soon as Luke and I are "legally" married, and I'm safe to stay in Aus legally, and our daughter (please be a daughter....please be accurate ultrasound lady) as soon as we find out she's healthy ( or he ), and we are able to move into our own place... I hope I will truly appreciate how complete and as close to perfect my life could ever possibly be. Once we get to that point, what could I possibly stress about other than Luke losing his job, or the baby getting sick? I mean, fiancially, as long as we remain simple (We play wow for fun...it doesnt really get much more simple, and its pretty cheap), and budget to save, we will be happy, and not need anything else. So much weight will be lifted off my shoulders, no one in this world could even imagine how different of a person I expect to be and feel like.

Well its 4:45 am... I should sleep, but I'm hyped up on coffee, fear and adrenaline.

Here's to upcoming six years of Livejournal entries.
Ta ta.

Ah, and the joys of pregnancy hormones...
Today, life is good. I can't stand this up and down crap. One minute I want to figuratively /wrists, the next day I'm bubbly and happy. Aghh.

I've been merrily doing wedding stuff today. So far:

Hair = 55.00
Manicure/Pedicure = 75.00
Tan = 35.00

Best prices I could find. I was going to have my makeup done, but everyone seems to think I do make up pretty damn good on my own, so I figured I'd save the 45.00.

The last thing I need to check into is a strapless pushup bra, body thingy w/e you call it. My shoes are gorgeous and fit, surprisingly. Hopefully my feet wont be too swollen that day lol. My hair has thankfully grown considerably the last few months, and hopefully will grow a little bit more this month.

Luke's birthday is in two days, and its depressing that I can't give him the birthday he gave me. It was probably one of the best birthdays I've had since I was allowed to get my ears pierced. At the moment, I've made him a picture frame that says Zoe's Daddy on it, and I'm probably going to do some photoshopping and put his face on one of his World of Warcraft toons, and give that to him as a present, and I'm making him a nice chocolate cake ^_^
I couldn't ask for a sweeter man. I can't believe it'll be our one year anniversary in a week! It's so unnreal. We've been through some defining, interesting moments. There is no one out there who could have been better suited for me. I hope that being a mom calms me down in some ways and helps me become a better wife to him in the long run. I think sometimes I take him for granted, unintentionally. I just get used to him doing things for me, and I've become lazy because he's always done them willingly; but the things he loved about me originally included being independent and I'm not very much anymore...

It'll be good when Zoe's born. He doesnt think I should work for at least a year, so I'm going to take that time to get back to what size I was when I first got to Ozland, and hopefully it will be easy to do with having a baby to chase and a new home to decorate and stuff. I used to think I was fat...boy, see me now. Hahah. Well I'm blabbing on. Expect pictures soon!

I'm in a shitty mood today. No two ways about it. I'm completely, outrageously, pissed off at the world. I want a break, I want to go to my own little world before I tear all my hair out and pluck the rest of the hair off with tweazers. (Slight over-dramatization). I miss just having me to worry about, me to care about. I miss being able to go anywhere and do anything when I wanted as I pleased. And quite frankly, I just fucking miss being in the US. I can't even go see a fucking movie in the theaters here, cause guess what? There's only one. ONE in 200KM! And it has one showing per movie, per day. Not to mention movies are released like 6 months later in Australia than in the US.

I don't know about you guys that have kids, but the last few weeks I've been feeling like "Oh my god... wtf am I doing.... omg.... wtf wtf wtf...I dont want this and I can't do this" Anyone else get like this after awhile? I want it out of me now, but I don't want it at all now. Is this normal?

Some days I want to just wake up from this ridiculous dream and still have my own life back home. At least today.

I just want to worry about me, do things for me and not sit there and try to make someone else happy and still keep my own identity. I want to go to sleep when I can, and not get woken up by other people. I want to walk thru the damn house and not have to be polite and wave and/or say something because his parents are sitting there watching us walk by like fucking fish in a bowl. I want to choose when I eat, and what I eat and put the dishes off til tomorrow if I so fucking choose.

Not a very good day, obviously. Most days are okay, but I'm sitting in this damn house in this fucking crackerjack box of a town 24/7 and I'm bored shitless out-of-my mind.

Luke doesnt do anything wrong, he's great. Its not his fault I feel like this. I love him, I have no issues with him, and I'm happy to be marrying him next month... but all the same? Somewhere inside of me I'm dying to get on the first plane home with or without him. I don't know how I'm going to live here like this for much longer, yet I don't really have a choice do I?

I dont know, when we talk about it, he makes it better and I lose most of the feelings, but it still doesnt change how much I miss living in my own country. Oh well...better tomorrow.

WoTLK pre launch :

Blizzard : 'We are proud to announce Wintergrasp, an uninstanced area in the middle of Northrend to facilitate epic Horde v Alliance mega-combat. This will be a primary feature of the expansion'

Customers : 'Hmmm I'll wait and see'

WoTLK a few months after launch :

Blizzard : 'We are aware of the lag issues in Wintergrasp, there seems to be very good appetite at this WG concept'

Customers : 'OMG blizz u just hit the G-spot. We <3 WG!'

WoTLK 3.1.0 :

Blizzard : 'I think we just make WG more fucked up lag-wise and rectifying it'

Customers : 'ZOMG FKCIN FICKS DIS LAG NAONAO OMFG'

WoTLK 3.1.2 :

Blizzard : 'Sorry boys, WG is way too successful a concept, so we want it down from incredibly successful to moderately successful'

Customer : 'WTF? U want to nerf yourself by demotivating ppl to come? Hey I make a Ferrari but lets make it run at 20mph coz anything beyond that is too fast '


Cant think of a single word that correctly represents this particular change.

I have so much to update about. I don't even know where to start.

1. Baby Stuff :D
I choose this topic cause it makes me the hap-hap-happiest! I'm 25 weeks as of Sunday, woot. I can't freaking believe it really. I can definitely feel her move, although its not enough for Luke to feel it yet :( Poor bloke. I'm semi-nesting... I've completely arranged the bedroom - pysedo-nursery. I love it. I have a recliner in the corner, with a nightstand with a cute pooh lamp next to it, and the cot next to that. Across the room is our bed, and I have a very cute change-table/bath/drawers all in one in the middle. ( www.flickr.com/photos/zoefia for pictures). I'm definitely rocking the Pooh bear look with a pooh mobile, pooh rug, lamp and waiting on his aunt to send us a pooh bear bed set ^)^, oh and I've also ordered a lot of 23 pooh story books and a personalized baby blanket with pooh on his back and tigger on top of him "pouncing" with Zoefia sewn into it. Plus a few other things from ebay that are going to be sent to my mom's house and I'm going to collect either in July or October. If this turns out to be a boy, I don't know what I'm going to do! I'll love him, but I have so many girl things already. LoL. I already have the diaper bag ready with diapers, wipes, clothes for the hospital, pacifiers, etc. I'm SO ready! I have not ever wanted something so bad in my life, right this minute.


2. Divorce stuffs
Man, I wish I had listened to everyone about this whole situation. Why I did something for someone else even with a small benefit to myself, that could fuck up my life so much if not resolved, I don't even know. Needless to say, Holman has not been doing what he was supposed to, going to the lengths of saying he's in the hospital to avoid filing for the divorce as I requested. Therefore, I had to dish out 1300.00 for a lawyer to go through with the divorce by publication option. It's frightening because my visa is expiring on August 25, and I'm due August 30th. I'm technically too pregnant to fly out of the country on August 10th which is when my flight was intially booked from last time I flew in Novemember (before I was pregnant). It will cost me 400.00 to book the flight for a different day. So that means I need to have my divorce finalized, and be allowed to get married by August 10th at the latest. And because of Australian laws, I have to apply for my marriage 31 days before I actually get married. That means that as soon as I get a court date next week, I need to pay for my marriage certificate and ceremony so that the day I come back from the states** we can get married and I can submit my own immigration papers to Australian Immigration, thus granting me a bridging visa until my temporary one can be granted, keeping me from being in the country illiegally. It's even more important that we're married before Zoefia is born so that my medical costs will be covered.

** As it stands I will have to fly back to the states for the divorce hearing unless the Judge will grant special case permission to file and proceed with the divorce without me appearing before him on the day of granting. It would be nice if he would, and hopefully will since I'll be so pregnant, because if he does I will come back in October with my daughter and go home to see my mom and dad and let them meet their one and only granddaughter ^_^ I don't particularly plan to have anymore after this one :)

3. Luke stuffs
Luke and I are growing closer and closer I think every day. We have had amazing stamina and I guess motivation to make this work, even though for awhile, we were having some serious fighting issues, I think it stemmed more from neither of us working, living with his parents, and being in each other's face 100% of the time.

Naturally, it was a red flag for me, but I never questioned his love FOR me, but more mine for him. I think I still do, but I think that stems from what's happened in my past relationships... I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop sometimes, even if I dont really think it ever will. It's hard for me to understand love or relationships anymore... I'm in a real one now, with real feelings, honest to god, no lying, no games, no jokes relationship...and its such a completely different feeling from what I'm used to, that it feels fake, or unreal, or perhaps because of the way we've lived for half of our relationship now, it feels more like a room-mate situation than anything. The first part was a honeymoon part, and the 2nd part we became two kids living with mom and dad. And although his parents ARE WONDERFUL, its still a little hard to live your own life with them around. You're just that extra bit more cautious, more on your toes than you would be in your own home.

A lot of our passion for each other sexually has died, be that from living w/ his parents, to me being pregnant and just not wanting to have a damn thing to do with sex. I mean, I cried one night during sex I wanted him to stop so bad; I felt violated, disgusted and just fucking unrighteously miserable - like what someone who has a boyfriend who has talked her into sex even though she didnt really want to and couldn't stand it happening, but was letting it happen because she didnt want to lose him....And sadly I was the one who offered because I felt bad that its been so long for him, and at first it was 3x a day! (A bit of TMI, but perhaps you other moms can offer insight to why i felt this way).

Other than being physically unattracted to sex and feeling bad for him, we are managing to be happy with each other, and not fight as much....even if we'd both love to get out and go "do" stuff once in awhile, but there just isnt much around here to do. Even our internet sucks so bad it makes playing World of Warcraft frustrating because it disconnects from the amount of data having to be processed. But we still manage to find some time to snuggle and cuddle.

Another great thing about him is that I'm having a hard time sleeping with him in the bed. A. He snores, and B. I just need to spread out to get comfortable... so he lets me sleep in our bed while he sleeps on a matress on the floor in our closet ( its technically a decent size closet ) but he refuses to sleep in the guest room because he wants to still be 'near me' but still give me what I need to sleep. I may have not had morning sickness but I had the WORSE case of not being able to sleep the first 3 months. It got better from 3-6, and now its starting to become a bit more difficult again :(

Plus, Luke JUST got his new job and I have to wake him up at 4:30 now in the morning, which means I either stay up until 4:30, or I go to sleep and wake up with him. I prefer just staying up and then going back to sleep until he gets off. I feel so bad for him. He doesn't want to do this job, but in six months its the only thing he's gotten a damn interview for and actually succeeded in getting, so he took it. But he's on his feet in new work boots on concrete floors without any hazmats under them, so after not standing all day to being w/ plus that.... I feel terrible for him, but God I love him so much for doing what he has to. He really is my rock sometimes... I have lost it so many times over the last few months, just breaking down and bawling my eyes out because we didnt have jobs, or money and I had my divorce looming over my head not knowing what to do about it, having a baby on the way and being scared but euphoric....and he always holds me and comforts me and assures me. I am so scared that something is goign to take him or the baby away from me... I mean I live because of them, they give me a happiness I've never known... I couldnt live without him now that I have had him... thinking about it makes me want to go wake him up and hug him tightly. He loves me, he pampers me, he doesn't care that I don't put makeup on, or that I havent washed my hair in two days, or that I wear baggy, unattractive clothes and still manage to get a hardon just from kissing me... Hell, he even went through the effort of finding the best computer parts so he can build me one better than his because the one I'm on can't fucking run a google search without pissing all over itself (figuartively). He just... gets me. No questions asked ( well sometimes a few ! lol )

But enough fumbling over the words to descrive him... before I make some of you sick :P



Basically, once the divorce is finalized, and I'm married to Luke and we're granted a bridging visa so that I can stay here legally, things will be looking A LOT more up than they are already. Overall, life is damned good at the moment, but because of the divorce and immigration issues, its causing me to stress the fuck out like its nobodies business. After those two things get taken care of.... I'm on the track to eternal bliss or damned close. The only thing that would make me happier is moving my husband and daughter to the states to live forever... but that isnt going to be for a few years. After we get married, I'm going to go through the steps of getting into college here, and studing education so I can get a degree. Once I get a degree we might move to the states or wait until he gets one too, and then move. The main thing being that Zoefia will not go to public school until at least middle school. I am going to homeschool her until then. Following that... She will go to public school here until high school, but at highschool age she will not be going to school in Australia. I've already told him that we will make it work, but she will not go to High School here for reasons I don't want to really explain... simply put...they have a horrific way of pressuring kids in their senior year with basically the logic of "We tell them if they dont do perfect in year 12, they will never be anyone and they will never get into college" and I don't like that... Its a very fucked up way they have the educational system here. But because she's Australia-American, she can go to college here if she wants, and she'll qualify for the free education systems for college, or she can go to school in the states ( Guess which one *I* prefer).


Truthfully... I fucking hate living here. It's almost equal to living in a Third World Country. While it may have a few benefits of living here...especially for the more lower-middle class population...once I have a degree, living in the states is a much more logical, smart choice. I'll never live in a foreign country again once we do move to the states unless he hates it, and only then will we discuss what we do. Hopefully he wont, and I don't think he will hate it at all either :) But its hard living here without any friends, without people I know to talk to... I only have him, his mom and his dad. Thats really my only social circle on a weekly basis. Every once in awhile, we see other bits of his family, but thats still slightly awkward just because I don't know all of them well yet. I adore his Uncle Bill and Aunt Karen... they are really awesome sweet people, and hilarious too :D

Well.. I think I've touched on most things now. Life is generally good, but trying to burp all the hiccups out... I'm incredibly impatient to hold my daughter for the first time, and I can't wait to come home in (Preferably) October so that my mom and dad can meet her ( and I can get all the things I've been buying on Ebay for her and sending to my moms).


If you have read all of this, you were either really bored, really interested or high and didnt really understand anything you read :P

Have a good night/day all!

1. If you have written a response and I havent replied on it, sorry. I am not getting livejournal emails still so I'm not sure who has and hasnt responded if its not on the main page.

2. Not that I expect ANYONE to send me anything at all, but if you are up to spending some money and giving back to the economy at the same time please check out my baby registry:

www.babiesrus.com
Registry # 86144286
Registrant
Last name: Cortes
First name: Ashly
City: Roanoke
State: Virginia

It's mainly for my mom to pick off stuff and get me, but I figured I'd throw it out there and save my mom some money if someone feels like lending her a hand. Everything purchased should go to her house, because her, my dad and grandma are going to pitch in and ship it all over here sometime in June. It's actually a nice registry. Some registries don't actually show you what has been purchased and you might end up with a few of it. This one takes it off the purchasable list so that no one else can it get it. Plus it tells me what I have gotten so far, such as this:


I'm guessing my mom bought it, but I'm not sure. Someone did. I had to laugh a little, isnt it cute?

Well like I said, I don't expect anyone to get me anything at all, but you should still take a look for those who are expecting, or just want a good laugh. There are some really cute onesies on my list like that one.

Anyways, I'm off to be bored in my house-prison-hell w/ no internet. It is amazing how much I live and breathe technology. *QQ* I miss playing World of Warcraft so bad.

TTFN!

I havent really been taking designated baby bump pictures until this past week but at least I have some from the week at all. And, I bought a cute Tigger outfit :)

I'm really annoyed with LJ at the moment. I havent been on much obviously until recently but I dont get any emails regarding comments, so I am having to go to each person's LJ and see if they responded because my "RECENT COMMENTS" page isnt actually showing all of my recent comments. Grr.

I Just found out that we live too far from town at the moment to get internet so we are going to A. Move to the capital of AUS so we can get back to civilization, or get a job SOMEHOW in this small ass town, get an apartment here close to town and get shitty net, no doubt. Needless to say, I'm losing my effin mind being out in the middle of no where, with nothing to do sitting in a room staring at the walls every day.

Hey guys..
If any of you have any baby stuff laying around and you feel like donating it, can you let me know? Or if you have a bundle and wanna talk prices, I'd appreciate it. I'm not sure if its a girl or boy yet, but whatever I don't use I can give back or whatever.

Thanks :)

I hate to do this cause it's not very personal or formal, but I read my comments, and I'll reply here... reason being is that I have 3rd world country internet atm.

I can't get on myspace right now, just will not load whatsoever.
Yes, Kris I'm in shock myself. LoL. I can't say it was all planned out, but it wasnt like i didnt think it could happen cause we werent 'not trying' lol.

Thanks for the birthday wishes and the congrats though :) I've already got a ton of stretch marks, so I'm kind of hoping I'm already around the 2nd month mark :D Will try to start updating more, now that I have something to update about :D Sorry I couldnt reply individually. If I browse thru too many pages, it locks up and says "Cant find this page" bullshit. </3 Take care guys, Merry Christmas!!

I'm getting married! LOL. For real this time. We havent set a date yet, but we have been talking about it since November....
and...
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........... I'm going to be a mommy! I got the go from the Doctor on my birthday which was yesterday. I don't think I have ever cried so much in 24 hours. Lol. I'm scared to death. There's a lil baby in me ...growing. Holy shit? My internet is like living in a third world country because we capped our net ( In Australia, companies give you an amount of usage and if you go over it, you get capped and they jerk your speed from 25/mbs a sec to like 12/kbs a sec....If you're not computer term saavy, it means its really fuckin slow :) ) Therefore, I can't really search the web for information, so its driving me NUTS. I don't know how far a long I am. I only went to have a pregnancy test, I don't have insurance in Australia so I wanted to wait to go to a Gyno when we move in a few days. We're moving from Brisbane down past Sydney to a place called Merumbula. Small place apparently, but we're staying with his parents probably til our baby is born, then gonna find a place to rent from there. We'll probably stay in Meriumbula until at least the baby is 2 or so. I really don't want to leave my baby with anyone else besides his mom, so I can work and she can babysit while I work. Then, when he's a lil bit older I will put him in a daycare and go back to school if I don't do it online before then. I'll probably take t.a.f.e classes while I'm down there, which is kind of like Community College sorta. But anyways, once he's two, if I am still going back to school, we'll probably move to a city capital, Camberra, or near Sydney, but not quite....too expensive there, even w/o a baby! LOL.

So we're both hoping for a girl... Zoëfia Charlotte :) First name is mine, 2nd is his. IF its a boy * :( * I think we're going with Alexander Graham ( maybe he'll become an inventor and scientist too....(Alexander Graham Bell?) LOL. We really hope for a girl though. I even bought a little dress yesterday, two neutral onesies, a baby blanket and 3 baby muslim wraps. Everything but the dress is neutral colours til we know for sure. Girl girl girl lol. Luke is really happy... I think more than me. He's like just amazing. LoL. I was crying... I didnt think he'd be happy about it, he wanted to wait til we actually were married before, he wanted to have a house, and stuff first. But he surprised me. Maybe its for my benefit, but he is always rubbing my tummy now. I havent really got the first clue other than the basics...love, patience and kindness :p Wish the internet was up to date so I could research this more. I can't wait to go to the doctor and find out how far along I am. I will update more stuffs later. Time to go get a stuffed animal...belated Birthday gift... I'm 21 now :D YAY~

It's been a long time since I've made a real post. In that time, I've hurt a lot of people, loved a lot of people, and hated myself for doing both in the end.

The old addage "Young, dumb and full of cum" really rings true here. To at least one livejournal friend, I wish to say I'm sorry for the pain I caused. I know that you don't believe me, and you have that right but what I said was true. I had no reason to ever bring it up, or lie about it. I just felt I owed the apology and truth to you. If you don't want to believe the facts that I gave you, so be it. In the end I'm sorry it took more than once. No excuses but I was at a shitty time in my life where I would have taken any bit of attention I could get, anywhere I could get it.

This past year has been a big twist of ups and downs.
January was the month of Chris. Went to visit him, naturally it didnt work out. Who the hell was I kidding, why would a 48 year old man really want a relationship? Been there, done that, has the kid to prove it? I'll always remember the romance, the touch, the chemistry. Even now, it has been the best whirlwind romance of my life yet.

from Nov- April I lived with the Skitzo lady and her bitchy daughter. About the only bonus to living there was the cheap rent, and occasionally getting to see her other daughter's baby boy, which made me realize how much I really want a family of my own. I worked at another restuarant that of course, I hated, but I made some nifty friends en process that I do miss dearly.

May - I moved north to live in Taso's house, where I fell into a slump. I didnt work that first month, and went thru a huge blow out with Taso. Totally meritted though. I deserved what he dished out. He's a good man, although sometimes in the moment I think he's a bit harsh, but generally speaking, I think I do deserve it at times. I started working at Casa de Waffle again, had some fun interesting times there let me tell ya. Made new friends, took my first motorcycle ride and fell in LOVE with it.

Speaking of Love... I had a few of those this year. First of course was Chris, which wasnt really anything new. Then I met a really sweet, French - Canadian whom I fell for after some time ( and at his urging! lol) who even asked me to marry him. I said yes cause I had my head in the clouds, but at last I came down from them and realized that it would never work out. So I moved on. Then late in July, I met up with a friend that I had known since my freshman year of high school and we kind of hit it off really well to the point that I almost didnt come to Australia. He was an AF boy stationed in North Dakota. I spent a week up there before I ended up going to Australia. Basically he had too much shit going on from his past that he hadnt finished or let go of, and ended up causing me to be pushed away and into going to Australia to see Luke.

August 25th, I left North Dakota at 9 AM, got to St. Paul, MN at like 2:00, boarded for Los Angeles at 3:00 and then at 11:00pm I left LA for Brisbane Australia. I arrived in Australia 2 days later at 7:00 in the morning, which will mark the most awkward day of my life :) After I got thru customs, I walked out to the waiting area and immediately spotted Luke. At the time, he had this HORRIBLE hair cut that I detested and I thought "My god, what did I get myself into" LOL. In the car on the way home, I thought I was going to be sick, it was that bad. I was so nervous, awkward and uncomfortable about what was to come. We stopped at McDonalds (yes, even here), and got some food, I called home, etc. That first day, I hated. I was tired, and drained and just not sure what was going to happen.
He dressed absolutely horrible, and only used spray deodorant. >.> Luckily for me, he accepts constructive criticism well and I've since took him clothes shopping, got him a stick of old spice and his hair has grown out....and he's the hottest man I've ever dated. ^_^. Funny, huh? Not to mention, the boy freaking worships me to a point yet still maintaining his manhood. And he loves me, he gives me everything I want, need, anything he can. I've never been with anyone as amazing as him. When he works at nights I can't wait til he gets home the next morning. He has been gone for two days cause his grandmother died, and it feels like the longest two days of my life. I'm going home on Saturday for 9 days, and it feels like its going to be forever. I dont leave until the 10th and dont arrive back in Australia til the 12th. I'm going home to mail my clothes here, and I'm coming back here until the end of my visa which expires next August. So within this year we're going to look for a house here or we're going to go home to the US and buy a house there. So this next year is a building year.

Anyways, that's all for now, kind of tired of typing. I'll write again some day. Take care.

Wow. George Carlin died.

By far one of my favorite comedians of all time. I don't care how filthy and untactful he might have been..He was real. May he be resting in the clouds of heaven, while most question if he's burning in the pits of hell for the thoughts he lived his life by. =\

Ahhh holy fuckballs!
I haven't updated in a month of Sundays! My poor avid readers. I apologize, I'm lost in everyone's life. Hell I'm lost in my own half of the time!!!
Anyways... So the scoops are as follows:


- I don't know if I ever wrote the outcome of Chris and I. We broke up (again). Not to say I don't think about him often, but I just wasn't ready to go thru another like-relationship with him that I had with... he who will not be named. :) Although at least he who will not be named was considerably much more honest overall.

- I am moving out of this crash pad on Wednesday into Taso's house for a few months where I"ll work and save up cash and pay back debts until August and then I'll be moving to Texas with an old friend of mine. Going to try to get into school finally, and stay with her parents and save money there for as long as possible. Doors are seemingly opening up and I finally feel like I"m starting to get a dirt path to walk down.

I'm not quite sure where we're going to look at for school, but it's still a few months away.

It's going to be interesting moving all of my stuff down there, still haven't quite mapped that part out yet, but i do still have a few months :)

I'm still playing World of Warcraft like a feign but I think I'm slowly getting less obsessed with it as I previously was. (Me making a post is proof of that).

I guess overall, life is getting better. I'm excited to move in w/ Taso again. I've kinda missed him! He's such a good roommate to have. And a really kind man for all the things he's done for me.

Well I'll keep it short cause I guess not too much has actually happened in my short time of not posting. I'ma either play some more wow, or go finish packing the last lil bit of stuffs up. Anywho. I hope ya'll are doing well. Take care!
Ashly

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